The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Puerto Rico

Hola, it'south me, Joyce! I wanted to be the one to tell yous nearly our trip to Puerto Rico because I invited Kyle only, only then, one by one, she invited Everyone, and I'g trying to be gracious because I love my island! Only my male parent just died and I wish I didn't accept to deal with this many people considering ay dios mio, the YELLING and the YELLING!

Get-go, anybody has to pack — you know united states of america girls with our baggage, right? I pack everything — the dress, the hanger, anything that is not nailed down, considering you lot never know what you need when you are traveling! I was Miss Puerto Rico TWO TIMES, okay, Two TIMES, and then I accept to exist prepared to be beautiful always. Lisa tried to pack her niggling dog, the one that sits very still and wears human being clothes and is depressed like a teenager? And Kim tried to pack herself into a suitcase considering she is CRAZY, that one! Kim tried to speak in Spanish and said, "The people hither, is love of boys, the boys, with the garlic, the water below for, y'all know, the h2o." Her eyes spin effectually similar cartoons sometimes and I worry about her brain, simply she tries then hard to seem normal and no one ever comments about her crazy-looking face up or the fact that she grits her teeth very hard, so she must be fine! Kyle's children stole all of her bikinis then I hope she does not show upwardly naked to the pool, right? The Richards sisters are crazy!

I made certain to tell everyone at the aerodrome that my father had just died, but NO Pressure, you guys — I only want everyone to accept fun, and know that while you are having fun my father is being embalmed and lowered into the ground forever. Simply NO PRESSURE, okay? Lisa said, "we all grieve differently" but then Kyle said "Vámonos!" That's the spirit! Please forget about my male parent, because he is very dead and we are going to Puerto Rico!

When we arrived, in that location was paparazzi — of course in that location was paparazzi! I was Miss Puerto Rico Two TIMES, okay, TWO TIMES, and this is my dwelling. Welcome! Brandi is already having a bad time because she feels that Lisa puts her nose in everything and and then walks abroad and denies her involvement, and she also does non enjoy Scheana being pushed on her all the time. Lisa does not like her room at Las Casitas Village considering for the first time in decades, she might see her husband poop, but do you hear that sound? That is the sound of the coqui, our national frog, and it is mating flavor! So plenty about Brandi and Ken and Ken'due south poop, okay? There are fountains and coqui and drinks!

Yolanda, who is very stylish and very rich, is surprised that the dynamics of the group accept inverse. Since the day I met these girls, this 1 is non talking to that one and that one is mad at this one — these are their dynamics, right? Ever fighting! Brandi is still upset that Lisa is not calling her in the forenoon, but listen to me — do not call my house in the morning time if y'all want to exist my friend, right? Considering I am with my children and my husband and I volition NOT speak to you while I am with my children and my husband. Yolanda says that yous can't knock down your friends on their style to success, but you can knock them down on their style to the phase for their talent competition so that mayhap they fall on their face and their molar comes out, right, Veronica? I am kidding! I did not win BOTH of my trophies and crowns that mode! Yolanda does not trust Lisa because she never has anything overnice to say about Kyle simply is suddenly very friendly with her, and Yolanda will tell Lisa about this Hollywood friendship tomorrow, this is her vow! I believe her, because she does not need friends when she has that much coin. We are lucky to be her friends! Even though she always sends us home with 25 pounds of lemons from her individual lemon grove. When Yolanda gives you lemons, y'all make lemonade and keep your damn mouth close, correct? She almost choked that trainer to death correct before our eyes, so I volition take her lemons forever!

Skillful morning! Everyone is enjoying guava juice by the puddle and eating an egg dish. I tell the girls that these eggs normally have cheese, but I told the chef NO CHEESE because these Beverly Hills girls volition not eat and so much dairy so early in the morning! I am kidding! I am also leaving, because my male parent is withal dead and I am going to spend the day with my family unit. But I scheduled a ferry for everyon,e and Kim knows how to ask for Coca-Cola in Spanish, so they will exist fine even though none of them are speaking to each other!

Everyone loves my isle! They are drinking drinks from giant fruit correct away, fifty-fifty though Brandi asks for hers without alcohol because she is working up her nervus to talk to Lisa. Brandi is drunkard always! She has to have alcohol in her body or else she will go into shock like that Amy Winehouse! Don't worry — at that place was rum in the eggs, it'due south our national drink! Lisa stood similar a pink goddess while everyone else went for a swim. She has to protect her peel because she is from England and pale like Casper the Ghost, right? Practice not blame Puerto Rico if you burn up similar a torch, Lisa! Yolanda came out of the bounding main similar a mermaid to move Lisa into the shade, then started telling her about her problems. Only she did not talk about herself, she said, "Brandi is frustrated because you are close to Kyle now!" Lisa chosen her ridiculous, and then Yolanda said, "If you make a statement about someone's married man, back it upwards, and if y'all change your mind, ask for forgiveness." Let me tell y'all something — if you talk negatively about my husband, DO Non enquire me for forgiveness, considering you will not get it! I will be polite to yous because my face up falls into a natural smile from all of my years of pageants, only my eyes volition be DAGGERS, okay? Daggers pointed at your face!

Brandi came over and said, "You call Kyle in the morning now!" and Lisa said, "I ever comfort y'all!" and Brandi said, "Y'all accept not checked in on me!" Brandi, you cannot have it both means! You ever say to Lisa, "Practice not female parent me," only when she does not mother you lot, yous cry and weep! Kyle and Kim showed up, but Lisa left crying. They did non even become to cheque on her! Yolanda only said, "Come across? She walks away" and so they all sat in a circle talking about her like the girls in my high schoolhouse who used to call me names! Brandi is frustrated because she didn't even become to say what she wanted to say, but Lisa is crying to Ken about the mean girls and she wants to leave. Brandi tells Kyle that when we took our trip to Palm Springs, she had those tabloids virtually Mauricio adulterous on Kyle (sign of the cross) at her house and Lisa tried to put them in Brandi'due south luggage! This is what they are fighting virtually! I once saw a homo accept his throat cutting open up and his natural language pulled through the cut similar a necktie because he touched the butt of ane of the girls in the pageant, only these girls, they fight well-nigh magazines, right? It's crazy!

Poor Kyle feels similar she has a knife in her chest and she feels similar an idiot for trying to repair her friendship with Lisa, and poor Lisa is decorated crying in the management of the sea. That is my favorite pastime — I scheduled ocean-crying for day 2, but Lisa beat me to it! Brandi thinks that Lisa is not done punishing her for some reason, and Yolanda said something else about standing upward for your friends, but all of these women are letting Lisa weep past herself! When Yolanda goes over to Lisa, Ken asked her why did she even take to bring this up, and then Ken started yelling! Y'all do not yell at Yolanda — she nigh killed that man who broke into her firm! Instead, she made Lisa feel bad by saying she was 55 instead of 52, and so Yolanda left. They are very lucky Yolanda did not kill them with her Dutch hands!

I was having a cute time with my family while these crazy people were yelling on one of our beautiful beaches. I love my family! When I am with them I am Joycita, their babe, who won Miss Puerto Rico Two TIMES, okay, Ii TIMES. My cousins are there, my mother is in that location — I dear my female parent, we talk on the telephone three times a 24-hour interval, and I wish she would move to California with me! She is distressing even though she and my father (sign of the cantankerous) got divorced when I was very young, then we only petted each other and cried a lot. We are at peace, and I am very happy I had a run a risk to run across my father, because his last words were "Become, I'yard happy." I wish his last words were "Don't bring those crazy girls to my island!" I'm kidding! He is in heaven watching me and taking care of me. We were having a great time until my mom said that she was going to dice one day also, and I outburst into tears at the idea of it! Mom, y'all are my hero and my inspiration, but your timing is terrible, mama!

Dorsum on the beach, Mauricio is hearing the story of the magazines from Kim and he is VERY UPSET, okay? Y'all do not stir shit up at his expense, and if you practice, he will call you lot a "fuckin' bitch!" Lisa thinks Brandi is looking for trouble considering she has had problem with every daughter, and she might be right! Maurice went over to where Kyle, Ken, and Lisa were sitting and said hey, is this true? Ken said "Brandi is a fucking liar" and then said all of the women are mad because Lisa is the perfect woman! Ken, I will not let you lot tell that lie in my hometown, okay, because I am here and I have won the title of Miss Puerto Rico TWO TIMES, okay, TWO TIMES, then I am also very perfect! Lisa says she has voiced her stance nigh tabloids vociferously, so of course it is a prevarication. I practice not know whatvociferously means, but it sounds very nasty! Kyle is crying and Mauricio is very confused almost who his real friends are so it is just another Tuesday, right? That is how I experience around these women e'er, Mauricio and Kyle! Welcome to my world!

Finally, we get to eat dinner! Anybody looks fantastic even though everyone is mad at each other. On the bus to dinner, Lisa and Brandi fight about this Scheana person, and Brandi says that Lisa has been friends with this Scheana for a very long time, because she did some excavation and found out they are "thick as thieves," which does non audio like friends to me! It sounds similar thieves! Ken yells "This is bullshit, this is a fucking stupid row!" which worries me because I practise not demand a heart set on to happen on this bus, right? Brandi kept rolling her eyes similar she was having a stroke and then said that Lisa was capitalizing on her heartbreak! I said hey, hey, it feels heavy in this passenger vehicle! Brandi said that she was under Lisa's spell, and for the outset time, I thank my lucky stars that Carlton is non on this trip, because she would put a spell on us for real! Retrieve my husband got diarrhea that time? She is a witch for real — a witch of the barrel! Kyle simply smirked in the back of the passenger vehicle while they were fighting because I think she really loves this friction between Brandi and Lisa, which makes me feel bad in my center.

We tried to have a nice dinner — Mauricio made a very funny joke about stealing the lime from the margarita, nosotros had lobster cocktails, everything was going very well! And so Kyle said out loud, "I have so much anxiety." Kyle, who are yous talking to, Kyle? No ane is listening to your anxiety because we are trying to have a good fourth dimension after a day of yelling at each other and crying almost our dead fathers, okay? But Kyle likes to be the center of attention, and I can say that even though she is my friend, considering she keeps hemming and hawing most her feet until she finally says, "I desire to know the truth about the tabloids." Ay dios mio, the magazines still? Yolanda said that Kyle has accepted some dysfunctional behavior from Lisa but I am feeling very dysfunctional behavior at this dinner table!

Ken is very angry and calls this a "sabotage assault!" He thinks the other four girls planned it, but Ken, they cannot program their way out of a Burger Male monarch, okay? Ken yelled at Kyle and Yolanda said hey, Ken, why are you involved? Ken told her non to exist stupid, and Yolanda said, "I will cut your family autonomously with smash clippers, okay!" She said that with her eyes, not with her phonation, but I believe she will do it! Brandi asked Lisa if she moved the magazine into her luggage, and Kim said "respond the question" like she was a robot in one of her Disney movies, but and then she yelled at Ken when he told her to move out of the way! She said, "I'thousand tired of your goddamn oral fissure! You lot're a large stubborn old homo!" Ken yelled "Why weren't yous at my daughter's wedding ceremony!" and Kim yelled, "I was moving into a new house!" They are not yelling about these magazines, okay? Kim and Ken demand to go to therapy together, I retrieve!

Ken and Lisa go out considering they feel like they are being fix. My dinner is not going very well, correct? I but keep looking at everyone with my big eyes because they do this everywhere we become — the golf game guild, shopping on Rodeo Drive, at parties, at their houses, they are e'er yelling! I do not remember these people want to exist friends, but nosotros all signed that contract from Andy Cohen, and then now nosotros have to always be together, pretending!

When they were out on the street waiting for the omnibus to return, Ken asked if Kim was drinking again, because she was acting similar a maniac, and Lisa said, "Do not say that!" Ken must not know that, you cannot mention Kim'southward alcoholism — it is like saying Beetlejuice! Even I know that, and I have only spent time with these people for a couple of months. Dorsum at the table, my husband said that they were asking legitimate questions, simply it did feel like an ambush. He is and so smart, I love him so much!

When they got back to Las Casitas Hamlet, Ken and Lisa toasted to each other and so smoked a cigarette while Lisa cried effectually her false eyelashes. This is very sad! You should not smoke because it makes your teeth and pare look terrible, like Veronica subsequently her "accident," correct? Lisa is sad because she has defended Brandi, just and so she chosen Brandi a dog and said that the dog chip her! Let me tell y'all something — if you ever call me a dog, I will bite you, too, but I will bite you with silence, considering I will never speak to you again while our hearts even so beat!

Side by side week will be very distressing — nosotros are leaving my home, only not before Brandi and Kim defile one of my nation'due south public fountains! Everyone is crying well-nigh their children leaving for college, and Lisa cries to Carlton nearly the girls ganging upwardly on her. Thank you for sharing my cute Puerto Rico!

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Puerto Rico